


Just Breathe

by KnownAsEmrys



Series: You'll Be In Love Until It Kills You Both [3]
Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-07 17:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18877612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnownAsEmrys/pseuds/KnownAsEmrys
Summary: Troy's finally been cleared to go on runs and it brings up some issues for Nick.Set before chapter ten of Ghost of Mine.





	Just Breathe

Troy is all smiles as he joins Nick for their afternoon watch. 

"Why are you so happy?" Nick asks. 

"Finally been cleared to go out!" He answers excitedly. 

Nick's heart sinks. "Oh..." 

"Yeah! I told Madison and she's sending me on a run tomorrow with some of the others!" Troy continues, oblivious to Nick's tone. "It's good timing too because I've been going stir crazy in here."

"I thought you liked helping me with the garden?" Nick questions with a frown. 

Troy grabs his hand and squeezes. "I _do_ , but Nicky I've been cooped up in here for over a month and I feel like a caged animal. I just need to get out every once in awhile."

Nick nods and Troy keeps talking excitedly about leaving, but Nick drowns most of it out - dread in his belly because all he can think of is the last time Troy left. Of him almost dying alone in a parking lot - bloody and broken. 

It makes him sick to his stomach. 

 

* * *

 

It's stupid. And selfish. And paranoid. 

But when Troy tries to leave the next morning with Licia, Nick claims he found weevils in the garden and needs help getting rid of them. 

Troy, of course, stays, and inspects the garden with him. He finds a ladybug and mocks Nick for not realizing the difference. 

"Fuck off!" Nick exclaims, face heating in embarrassment. 

Troy grins and steps into his space. "It's all right, Nicky. It's an easy mistake to make. I mean a harmless bright red insect with dots? Could be  _anything_."

Nick places his hand on Troy's chest to keep him from getting closer. "Was just being careful," he mutters, looking down at the ground.

Troy lifts his chin and forces Nick to look at him. "You're cute when you act all embarrassed." He kisses Nick's forehead. 

Nick smiles and pulls him into a real kiss. 

A loud wolf whistle causes them to part and they turn to see Mel passing by. They flip him off simultaneously and he just laughs. 

"Well it looks like I've got some free time now..." Troy says suggestively as he turns to face Nick. "You know what we should do?"

"What?"  Nick asks, very interested in where things are headed.

Though apparently the correct answer was  _build a bookshelf_  and not  _have sex,_  but as long as Troy was safe inside the Diamond, Nick didn't mind one bit.

 

* * *

 

The day after that, he can't help himself from dragging Troy into a closet to make out shortly after overhearing Mel say he was going on a run with Troy. 

Troy pushes him away after a few minutes, face flushed, pupils shot to hell. "I have to go, Nicky, but when I get back..." He crowds into Nick, backing him into the nearest wall and giving him one last  _filthy_  kiss. 

Troy backs away from him and tries to leave, but the door doesn't open. He jiggles the handle, frowning when it doesn't budge. 

Nick does his best to look confused and not guilty. "Is it locked?" 

"I don't know." 

Troy starts ramming into the door with his shoulder,  trying to force it open to no avail. 

"Fuck this." Troy growls. He straightens up and kicks the door relentlessly until he busts through, knocking the door off it's hinges. Arousal shoots through Nick at the display of strength. 

"Think your mom'll be mad?" Troy asks, gesturing to the broken door. 

"Definitely." Nick breathes. 

"Good." Troy says with a shit-eating grin. He starts to leave, but Nick grabs him from behind, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and pressing into him. 

"Stay," Nick growls into his ear, grinding into him roughly. 

Troy groans and leans back into him. " _Fuck_. I have to _go,_ Nicky."

"We can take turns being on top." 

Troy stays one more day. 

 

* * *

 

Troy doesn't get another chance to go out for two more days and Nick surprises him with a date in the commentator's booth half an hour before he's supposed to leave. The worst part is how delighted Troy is by the gesture - oblivious to the real reasons for it - his eyes lighting up, his expression coloring with pure love and joy. 

"You're so good to me, Nicky," Troy says sincerely before he kisses him and guilt gnaws at him as he kisses back. _"I'm_ planning our next date," Troy tells him as he pulls away. 

Nick forces a smile. "Sounds great."

Rationally, Nick knows he can't do this forever, but he just needs a little more time. Just a _little..._

Or at least that's what he tells himself. 

 

* * *

 

Over the next week, Nick finds every little excuse to get Troy to stay - from needing his help to plant new crops to having a drawing contest with Charlie and Mel to simply making out, and even baiting him into a shooting competition.

Troy doesn't seem to notice anything odd, but the more he chooses to stay behind, the more restless he becomes. 

Things finally come to a head when Nick insists Troy can't go on a run because he needs his help building more animal pens. 

"Why do they have to be built today? We don't even have any animals!"

Nick panics internally as he realizes he's fucked up. "Uh...well, we have a pig and we need to be ready when we find more!"

Troy huffs. "The pens can wait _one_ more day."

Nick frowns because he really doesn't know how to argue against that. 

"I'm supposed to meet Mel at the gate." 

"No!" Nick exclaims as he starts to leave. It suddenly becomes harder to breathe. 

Troy pauses. " _No?_  What do you mean  _no?"_

"You can't go! I...I really need your help with the pens."

Troy scoffs. "I'm going with Mel. Those fucking pens can wait until I get back."

He starts walking away and Nick's panic peaks. 

Nick can't breathe at all anymore and he tries desperately to get air into his lung. He crouches down and puts his head between his knees, closing his eyes tightly as his vision starts to swim. 

"Nicky?!" He hears Troy exclaim, but it's muffled. 

_Just breathe. Breathe. Fucking breathe._

It takes him a few minutes to finally be able to raise his head. His heart's still beating too fast, and he feels weak - body heavy, mouth dry, but he can breathe again. 

Troy's there, worry coloring his expression. "What the hell just happened?"

Nick swallows. "Panic attack."

Troy frowns. "You had a panic attack because I wouldn't help you with the pens?"

Nick looks down at the ground and huffs. "No, _dumbass_ , because you were  _leaving_."

Troy furrows his brow. "What? Why?"

Nick looks up at him in disbelief. "Troy, you almost  _died_  the last time you left or did you forget?"

"Oh." Troy says quietly, realization lighting his eyes.

The hall falls silent and Nick focuses on calming his racing heart.

_Fuck. What the hell is wrong with me?_

Troy cups his face suddenly and rests their foreheads together. "Were you this scared every time I told you I was going to leave?"

Nick nods. "It's why I've been making any little excuse to get you to stay."

Troy brushes his thumb over his cheek. "I'm sorry, Nicky. I'm _so_ sorry I didn't notice sooner how trying to leave was affecting you."

Nick puts his hand on Troy's cheek, tears in his eyes. "Please stay."

"I can't stay in here forever, you know."

"Then just for today.  _Please_."

Troy looks conflicted, but ultimately he shakes his head. "I can't. Because if I do you'll only ask me again tomorrow."

"I won't," Nick promises, but even _he_ knows it's a lie. 

"You  _will_ ," Troy insists. "But..  _maybe_  if you come with me - see that I can protect myself this won't happen next time."

Nick considers it, taking comfort in the feel of Troy's thumb stroking his left cheek. He nods eventually and let's Troy help him to his feet.

Troy wipes at the tears in the corner of his eyes, then kisses his forehead and grabs his hand. "Come on," he says gently.

Mel gives Nick a curious look when they meet him at Troy's truck.

"Finally decided to join us, Nick?" Mel questions.

"I thought we should go out on our first run together." Troy answers for him, and he's grateful for it.

They get into the truck, Mel graciously taking the backseat so they can take the front.

Nick's anxiety spikes the moment they pass the main gate, and he grabs onto Troy's elbow.

It's embarrassing how utterly pathetic he is.

This world of theirs isn't safe and he knows that, just as he knows he can't always be there to protect Troy or vice versa. One way or another they're fated to die at any given moment - any little misstep. But he can't bear the thought of sending Troy out and him just never coming home, not after Ennis -  and not after nearly losing him three separate times. 

Troy turns on the stereo and heavy metal blares from the speakers, startling everyone.

"You have the  _worst_  taste in music," Mel comments after Troy turns it down.

"You _gave_ me this CD!" Troy exclaims.

"Doesn't mean I approve," Mel tells him. 

Nick smiles as their typical bickering ensues, finding comfort in it. Once they're on the open road, Troy slips his arm out of Nick's grip and interlocks their fingers instead, giving his hand a kiss before resting their hands on the seat in between them. 

He doesn't think to ask, "Where are we even going?" until ten minutes into the drive. 

"The library." Mel answers. 

Nick frowns, feeling even more ridiculous because the library was generally safe.

Troy squeezes his hand. "We thought you and Charlie could use some new books."

"Oh, um, yeah. Definitely." Nick agrees. 

The rest of the drive is quiet - save for the music - and Nick's anxiety starts to fade. 

Once they reach the library, Mel heads to the young adults section while Troy leads Nick to the horror section. 

"Pick whatever you want and put it in my bag," Troy tells him, squeezing his hand before letting go. 

Nick looks around, scanning for books, but also listening out carefully for trouble - never straying far from Troy. He grabs a couple of books about serial killers he thinks Troy might be interested in and slips them in his backpack. 

Nothing happens - which is hardly surprising since Mel and Troy come here so often, not giving anyone or anything much time to settle in. It eases some of the tension in his body, but he knows this isn't the only kind of supply run Troy will go on - that they won't all be this uneventful. 

They go to find Mel when they're done. He’s looking at drawing books. 

Troy walks over and grabs a book, that he shows to Nick - _How To Draw for Kids_ it reads - before he shows it to Mel and says, "This is the one _you_ need."

Mel snorts when he sees it. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a big yellow book - _How to Draw for Dummies_  it reads. "Got this one for _you._ "

Troy laughs. "Bastard."

"Dickhead." Mel says with an amused grin. 

Nick shakes his head. They'd gotten past the whole _betrayal_ thing, but they still took every opportunity to be assholes to each other. It was quite amusing to watch. 

Mel's walkie crackles as he stuffs the book back in his bag. "Mel, do you copy?" Luciana asks. 

Mel pulls it off his belt and answers. "Yeah, I copy." 

"Where are you?" 

"The library."

"Oh, good. Amy, Carson and Julio went to pick up more cement this morning and we haven't heard back," Luciana tells him. "Could you check and see if they're all right?"

"We're on it," Mel answers before clipping the walkie to his belt. 

They pile into the truck and drive to the hardwood store, surprised when they find a small herd of infected outside - trying their hardest to get in, but the plexiglass holds strong. 

Troy parks behind a familiar red truck that appears to have bags of cement and a new mixer in the back. "Looks like they got trapped in between loading up."

"So, what are we thinking?" Mel asks. "Kill 'em or clear 'em?"

"Kill 'em," Troy answers the same time Nick says, "Clear 'em."

Troy looks at him with a frown. "It'd be better to take them out so they don't wander back and cause problems later."

He’s right, of course, but Nick doesn't like the risk presented  _now_  by getting close enough to kill them. Still, he's got no choice but to relent to Troy's logic. 

Mel gets out first and before Nick can follow suit, Troy grabs his arm, causing him to turn towards him. 

"We got this," Troy says firmly. 

"We got this," Nick repeats. 

Troy let's go and they get out, Nick rounding the truck to meet them. When they get closer to the store they see a couple more bags of cement laying at the infected's feet - likely abandoned in favor of getting back into the store - as well as a few bodies. 

Nick is the first to start killing the infected - all but body blocking Troy from the dead when he can - Mel seeming to help him as they pick through the small herd.

Troy isn't pleased by their overprotectiveness - made obvious by the frown etched on his face after they've finished. "I'm not Charlie. I don't need you two babying me."

Nick fidgets nervously. He’s not exactly proud of himself for acting like Troy can't protect himself, but he can't fight this awful feeling in his chest that screams Troy will die or get injured out here. 

"It's called lookin' out for you," Mel responds. "It's your first run in awhile and you shouldn't push too hard."

Troy looks to Nick as he says, "There's a difference between looking out for me and not letting me handle things on my own."

Nick scoffs and takes an aggressive step towards him, anger flaring. "The last time you handled things on your own you almost got yourself killed!"

Troy steps forward too and pokes him in the chest as he says, "This isn't like that and _you_ know it!"

"Well I'm sorry that after everything that's happened to you that I can't just ease back into you risking your life! I'm sorry that after almost losing you  _three times_  it _terrifies_ me to let you out of my sight - to let you come out here and put yourself in danger! Fuck me though for caring, right?!" Nick feels and sounds hysterical even to himself, but he can't help himself. When it comes to Troy he loses all rationality. 

"I _like_ that you care!" Troy exclaims. "But today was supposed to be about proving to you that I can handle myself out here, but how can I if you won't let me do anything?!"

Nick huffs and they glare at each other stubbornly for a long moment.

Mel clears his throat awkwardly. "Uh, _hate_ to interrupt, but we're kind of in the middle of something."

Troy looks away first, walking away from Nick, and storming into the hardware store - Mel holding the door wide open for him. 

Nick groans in frustration, raking his hand over his face. This isn't going well at all and he doesn't think it'll get any better. 

"You know, I bet if you threw in an  _I love you, asshole_ he’d melt instantly." Mel says. "He's a real sucker for that." 

Nick snorts and turns to follow after Troy. They find him with their missing allies at the back of the shop, Julio and Carson are fine, but Amy's covered in a sheen of sweat, a nasty bite on her neck. His stomach drops. She's only sixteen. 

She smiles weakly at Nick - happy to see him. She'd taken Jaime's death particularly hard and he’d been checking in on her ever since, trying his best to cheer her up. She had finally started to recover, and participate in stadium life again. Now none of that matters. 

He goes to crouch in front of her. "Hey," he greets quietly.

"I'm going to see him again," She says tightly, grabbing his left hand in between both of hers. "I'm going to see Jaime again."

He forces a smile, "Yeah...I'm...I'm sure he's _missed_ you." 

"Yeah?"

He nods, his chest tight. 

Tears trail down her cheeks. "Tell...tell my mom I love her, will you?

"I will," he promises, squeezing her hand. 

"And tell Charlie she can have all my stuff." Amy adds. 

He nods, swallowing thickly. 

She sweeps her gaze around at them all, then looks to Carson. "I'm ready," she tells him. 

Carson nods and crouches next to her, hunting knife in hand. 

Nick looks away as Amy drops her head and Carson slips the blade into the base of her skull. Amy goes limp, and Nick slips his hand out of hers. 

"She wanted to stay alive until she knew we were safe," Julio says sadly. 

Nick blinks rapidly, refusing to cry just yet. He gets to his feet and turns to Carson. "What happened?"

"We were just about to leave the shop after getting the last of the cement when the dead swarmed Amy. She got bitten before we could pull her back inside." Carson explains. "Couldn't radio for help because Amy didn't bring hers, Julio's died, and I left mine in the truck."

Nick shakes his head and turns to look at Troy. "Help me carry her?"

Troy nods. 

Carson and Julio gather up the last of what they need while Nick and Troy carry Amy's body to Troy's truck - Mel running ahead to lower the tailgate and jump into the back. He helps them gently lay her down before jumping out. 

Nick closes the tailgate and Troy quickly pulls him into a hug. 

"Sorry about the girl. I know you two were getting close," Troy tells him. 

Nick wraps his arms around Troy, and sinks into the hug, squeezing tight. That awful feeling still throbbing in time with his heart beat. "I'm afraid of this happening to _you."_

Troy rubs his back soothingly. "I know, but...do you think I'm _not_ terrified this will happen to _you?_ I know you don't leave much, but I still worry about you whenever I'm not around. I mean, what if I was to return to the Diamond one day and something terrible had happened while I was out?"

Nick pulls away - just enough to look Troy in the eyes. "You really worry about that?"

Troy nods, expression much softer now. "I worried about that every time I had to  go back to the Vultures and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life worrying about it because you’re my _home_ , Nicky. Without you I have nothing left to live for."

Nick smiles and brushes his knuckles gently across Troy's cheek. "I'm always gonna worry about you not coming back. You’re part of my _family_ now. It's not so easy to watch you go, even if I know how capable you are. I mean, you've almost died more than anyone else I love. It's like you've got a target on your back or something."

Troy shrugs. "Or maybe it's just all my bad karma catching up to me. Like a punishment for all the bad shit I've done."

Nick frowns. "Oh, God. If that's the case then you're _screwed."_

Troy laughs, he brings his hands up to rub Nick's shoulders - his expression turning somber as he says, "Look, Nicky, we both know that there's no guarantee something bad won't happen to either of us even when we're together, but all we can do is try to enjoy each day we get together and always do whatever it takes to get back home to each other."

It's not of much comfort, but it _is_ the truth. 

Nick hugs him again. "Sometimes, I really wish you’d lie to me," he says. 

Troy kisses the top of his head and rubs his back. "We're gonna beat this world together, Nicky."

Nick nuzzles into his neck, inhaling softly, finding comfort in Troy's scent - the warmth of his hard body pressed against him. He desperately wants to believe those words, so he clings to them. "Whatever it takes," he says. 

"Whatever it takes," Troy repeats. 

The sound of a truck door closing pops their little bubble of intimacy - reminding them that the others are waiting to leave. 

Nick pulls away. "I just need a little more time. Think you can deal with me coming out with you for awhile?"

"Only if you promise not to step in unless I _actually_ need your help."

"I promise to _try."_

Troy grins. "Guess that's as good as it's gonna get, huh?"

Nick nods. 

Troy gives him two quick pecks on the lips before he steps away and they get into his truck, following the others back to the stadium.

For a few weeks, Nick goes on every run with Troy until he's eventually able to let Troy go without him. It helps that Mel makes it a habit to radio him with updates, and while his breath still seems to catch in his chest until Troy returns home, bit by bit it gets easier. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and/or Kudos appreciated!


End file.
